Stepping Out of the Original, Into the Self: Reflections on Family of Origin and Marital Family

In Chinese society, "filial piety" has always been regarded as the core of virtue. But as we grow up and start our own families, should this filial piety still override the new family we have built? This is a question I have been pondering, and it is also a psychological hurdle that many people must overcome in their growth process.

I come from a traditional family, where I was taught from a young age to listen to my parents' opinions and not to defy my elders. In such a background, obedience and compliance seemed to be the standard for maintaining harmony. However, when I became a parent and a partner myself, and when "my family" began to overlap with "the family I came from," I deeply realized that the two cannot simply be weighed on the same scale.

I once saw a friend's marriage in trouble, simply because her husband always followed the opinions of his family of origin, even when those opinions were clearly detrimental to his own family. The husband demanded that his wife show respect to his brother-in-law, who had no economic ability and poor character. These demands caused her inner struggle and tension in the family atmosphere. This scene made me realize that when a person cannot establish boundaries between the family of origin and the marital family, it not only disappoints the partner but also makes the word "family," which should be warm, heavy and full of pressure.

The family of origin gives us life and values, but it should not limit the space for us to develop a new life. Marriage is a journey built together with a partner, and the relationship between the two should be based on mutual respect, trust, and communication, rather than blind sacrifice and compromise.

If the values of the family of origin conflict with the reality of marriage, I believe the most important thing is self-awareness and timely establishment of boundaries. This does not mean that we are unfilial, but that we know how to protect the people we love and take responsibility for our own home. Always obeying parents is sometimes just an escape from facing conflicts, not a mature choice.

On this path of stepping out of the original and into the self, I have learned to say to my parents, "I know you care about me, but this is my family's decision," and I have also learned to work with my partner to bear the consequences of our choices. We are no longer just our parents' children, but someone's other half, the parents of our children, and the guardians of this small family.

This is proof of growth and the continuation of love.